When you took me in, two things were on my mind. One, it was going to take a wrong turn and you throw me out like I was used to. Two, it meant that since someone thinks I am worth keeping, I can give him the benefit of the doubt and show him I don’t believe I should be kept. Either way, I knew deep down I really wanted someone to love me. I was tired of running, life had no meaning.
On the first night, I couldn’t believe you didn’t even try putting me in any position that would make me feel less than. I had my own space and comforts more than necessary. It’s the first time in a long time I felt pampered. My hair, got cleaned up. It was a miracle. Clean sheets, clean clothes, clean everything, I smelt wonderful. As I curled up in bed, I still couldn’t tell if this was going anywhere. In my heart, I wanted to run again before it gets broken again. What was to come, made me more afraid than enjoying this moment of peace and quiet.
They say our thoughts become our reality. By breakfast, I had flown back to the streets. No goodbye, no notes, nothing. I was more peaceful knowing and sticking to my ground of expertise. Not that I loved it, but because I was tired of having false hope come in and before I realize it, it’s gone. Somebody or something takes that away from me again. So what was there to lose if I broke that cycle?
Was it the kindness in your eyes? Or the softness of your words? Was it the safety in your arms or the person I saw myself become if I gave you a chance to keep me? Could it be true that people have guardian angels and you found me, and wouldn’t stop looking for me? Such a shame if I ran away from you. Whatever it was, it got stuck with me. I wasn’t me anymore.
After a thousand chances you still didn’t stop chasing me. Even right now, you still haven’t. And in the perfect time, of your own choosing, or the universe I don’t know. You got me. Nothing you could’ve done would make me be yours any time before then. I was not ready to be loved. I was not ready to belong. But this particular day, I was weightless. With no home training, the dirt, the smell I carried seemed to be none of your business. I was ashamed of me. Completely un-wanting to see anybody have anything to do with me especially showing kindness.
I am sorry I still stumble at the house rules. So many of them I break so many times. But your love covers my offenses, you love me beyond my mistakes. I have a hard time staying in one place because my feet ran every day before you. Something about being quiet and peaceful I still haven’t caught, I shouted for a living. I yelled at everyone, my fists were so active. The hate that runs deep within me, the jealousy, and self-victimization swallowed me long enough that I can’t appreciate what I have even now. Abandonment, not to mention the impurity I believe got me out of the face of love, in the first place.
I fought to get what I want. By any means possible. I’m not justifying why I get angry when you say no to me. I am only saying it is new to me to have someone choose everything for me. To be denied and sometimes to be given what I didn’t ask for or what I didn’t even know that I needed. It is a bittersweet feeling, to not have it in my power to handle things by myself. I am loving the gratitude in my heart that I don’t have to focus anymore on the material things in life. It is all well taken care of. All seasons you got my back.
I had to take one day at a time. To study who I was and make amends to become who you wanted me to be in love. There are instructions I didn’t need to take from anyone else but me. To give up my old nonsense and live in honor. To forgive. To let go. To laugh. I could have never dreamt how this is a lesson too. How to enjoy the little things in life like nicely combed hair. My own beauty. There are days it seemed harder than others but seeing myself out there again was impossible. I gave in to this life so deeply that I don’t want to miss a thing you want me to learn, and so I get up every day to your love.
I have made a list of things I need help with, so that I don’t do this alone. I want to involve you in all my life unique details, so help me please.
- To restore my innocence, as child to parent.
- To celebrate life again, that every day counts and is a miracle.
- To be content with all that I have, even though none of it is mine.
- To look up to a better tomorrow.
- To clean up after my mess and ask for help when I am overwhelmed.
- to think about other people and how I can be useful to them too.
- To trust and be honest with you and others at all times.
- To ask for forgiveness.
- To be okay with being wrong.
- To say “I love you” every day, and meaning it.
I am not used to any of the above, and I know I need all of them. Thank you God.