I have ever been in a relationship with a charming, young man. He was nice and everything I could fall in love with. I was endlessly on cloud nine, happy, you know a young girl drunk in love. I was in a 360 degrees embrace in him, his thoughts, his words, his passions, he merged me with himself to a point he was everything I thought about. I gave him lots of time, lots of parts of my life, my family, friends, he was everywhere, and I wanted him every other second of my life.
I struggled with giving up a few of my principles, but I always nodded “anything for you, my Love”. Something I know many girls can understand. We always tend to feel scared to lose these people and give up some core values and principles for them to stay even though somehow somewhere they can do the exact opposite. I spent days and months, feeding myself with his so called love, his care, and I wanted to make myself believe that I was in the best time of my life. I did believe it. I was okay with sneaking out, stay out late as well, my family questioned me, even friends thought I was not doing the right thing, but understood, I was in love I mean duh. He’s the apple of my eye, the light and love of my life.
Breaks, fights, misunderstandings, and quarrels were a big part of it but I overlooked them as part of every other relationship. It brought me to a much deeper injury, I knew I had to end it. I hit rock bottom. I was blank for a while until I concluded that there probably won’t be any person to love me again if I ever stopped seeing him. My world had revolved around him to a certain depth that I didn’t actually talk about it with anybody because I had no friends anymore, it was just him. He didn’t let me out of his embrace, I was held hostage in the name of love. No one to confide in with such delicate information or even a person to pour out my anger on, and my disappointment. The amount of feelings that were flooding me were unbearable, I thought nobody deserves to be under my burden of depression, trust me, that version of me is terrible.
It brought me to the only hope I always have under all the worst conditions life puts me through, and though some people pray, others go to alcohol, watch some soccer, and you do what you do. But here is what I do, I read hard core poetry. I always joke with my friends that I don’t have a bible, poetry is my religion. When I read it I relate to it more than anything else. I feel fulfilled, and I feel the joy from knowing some people have ever felt whatever I am feeling, before. I connect with it because I also pretty much can’t easily let out my feelings in word-of-mouth.
Now, English has these common sayings I find interesting. That there is light at the end of the tunnel. In my hurting period, I stumbled upon this saying one to many times I started questioning myself what tunnel is it? Which light is it? Why does it come at the end? Who lights it? How long is the tunnel? Is the tunnel dark anyway? A logician I am, I don’t take a saying for a saying. I take it word by word. To understand, I analyze it with facts.
My love journey seemed like a perfect metaphor to put the saying to use in my life. Actually I remixed it in my own words. I changed there is light at the end of the tunnel to there is light at anywhere you want it to be. I decided to relive every form of life I had lived before him. In the saying, I refer to this situation I was in as the tunnel. And instead of waiting for the end of this tunnel, I wanted to create some light from within the tunnel, so that by the time I reach the end of it, this new light won’t burn me again. I will just appreciate that the light will be much brighter and that I have come from one place to another, and probably a much better one.
I valued and put on the table the person I had always been. I remember taking on leadership roles, be the active person I had always been. I have always enjoyed writing and reading poems, singing and dancing. I had love for art, pets, sport and traveling to the upcountry. I loved my family, and always surrounded myself with good energy. I was that oddly entertaining and exciting girl I felt wowed at. I figured, I have enough light already to light up this tunnel. I lived as though this man was nonexistent and dominated my own life not because I didn’t want to love him but because I was beginning to understand that this was exactly how I am supposed to live in every situation. I started surrounding myself with anything that allows me to reflect the light in me. I spent time with people who believe in me and have no intention in making me their own property. Who celebrate me, love me and want to see this light I shed in their lives. I walked out of the embrace slowly and I started seeing light much more. I started telling myself how amazing I am, how incredible and rare I am. It is too much gift to waste trying to solve this relationship crisis. I understood that only I have the authority to find that light, turn it on within the tunnel.
After carefully and closely paying attention to the light that lives within me, I chose to create it and live with it, use it however and whenever I wanted. I sat him down and told him, Sir, I refuse to constantly live in the shadow of your unsure and mood swings. I can’t afford waiting for that perfect moment, from you so that we can be happy. My life is okay with or without you, and not only you. Even if it were my parents or friends who would have thought I highly depend on them for my entire happiness. If a tunnel is really that dark, I will have my own light until I see the kind of light I need. If there is a person who lights the tunnel, it better be me.
It was of no surprise to me, that he eventually saw I was limitless even without him. If it scared him, I don’t know. If it was bad I don’t understand how me being powerful was a problem, some people, things, insecurities, debts, women, men you can name it want us to rely on them and give them power over us. You keep giving them the impression you’re waiting on them, to get your life together. I refused to be a victim, I walked out, but the same light I was seeking is the one I found. Feeling whole, vibrant, and happy all by myself or with someone. Today, I have reached the end of the tunnel. He loves and embraces me, the whole light, he lets me shine and encourages me to do more, not him being the center of my life. It is what I have always looked for in a tunnel. Don’t wait for light, be light everywhere, anywhere, light may find you in light already, and that’s okay. Do exactly what you’re supposed to do, with or without light. Refuse to wait for it from outside even when you don’t see any end at all.
Make a choice today, commit yourself to this saying. Tell yourself every day, most especially in your challenges, troubles that the light is not at the end of the tunnel. Light is wherever you want it to be. See light from within, everything else comes after. You start seeing things you could never see if you kept acting blind or as if it is dark throughout the tunnel. Think of every situation as a lesson to reflect how much light you have right within you, you won’t regret remixing this old saying.